Sometimes a porn site can look really fucking amazing at a glance and be as disappointing as blue balls once you dig into it. Some sites are really good at creating a solid presentation, providing great site design, plenty of features, and hundreds of thousands of porn videos, but once you start clicking around, come to find out, many of these videos don’t load properly or the site is glitchy. Making a site look good is the easy part; making an actually good porn site, however, now that’s a different story altogether.
Maybe you’ve been there before in your quest for the perfect porn tube for you … you come across a new site, it looks good, the site is designed well, it looks like it’s really well organized; hell, there are even some community features (nice!). But then when you really sit down and start looking through the site, your boner slowly goes limp due to slow loading times, broken links, or just plain missing features that the site made you think would be there. It’s a serious fucking buzzkill, is it not?
Well, lucky for you, I’m here to weed through all of the shit so you don’t have to. All you have to do is take a few minutes out of your day to read my reviews, and you can know, without wasting any time actually checking it out yourself, whether or not a porn site is worth your wank. And believe you me, there is a fuck ton of bullshit out there.
Some of the general problems that I’ve noticed most free porn tubes suffer from are a lack of useful features; shitty, lazy, cluttered, or dated site design; low-quality videos; not enough videos; and (my biggest pet peeve), not enough full-length scenes. You’ve probably noticed this, too, have you not? This is especially prominent in the big money-maker sites like Porn Hub, Red Tube, or pretty much any site of the Porn Hub network. They make it next to impossible to just find a simple full-length scene. Hell, it can be difficult on these sites sometimes just to find a video that is long enough to bust a nut to! Well, maybe you don’t have that problem. If you have no stamina then, sure, a 5-minute video will probably be more than enough time. But if you’re not a virgin living in your mother’s basement, these videos are way too fucking short!
So, those are the big criteria for me when it comes to free porn tubes. The site has to look good, be well-organized, have plenty of high-quality videos to choose from, have plenty of long videos, and it can never hurt to have some additional community features thrown in there as well. If you’ve read a few of my reviews before, you probably already know my thoughts on this, but porn is meant to be a last resort that we turn to when pussy is not a feasible possibility. It was never meant to be the go-to activity, people! So, if a porn site can aid in the crusade of getting laid, all the better, and community features are what make that possible – message a girl who lives in your area and, who knows, by the end of the week you could be hitting that from behind. Well, assuming that you have basic communication skills …
Slow Down There, Hoss
Today I will bring you through a free porn tube known as Empflix. Maybe, though, there is nobody better to give an introduction to Empflix than Empflix themselves. At the bottom of the home page, they write, “Empflix is the #1 porn site on the Internet, always fresh and exciting. Empflix.com is updated daily with full-length DVDs for your viewing pleasure. With the most erotic and enticing sexual experience, watch hundreds of hours of free porn, hardcore porn, and porn of every niche available. Come back daily for more porn always free and fresh right at your fingertips … Get in on some hot free porn action at Empflix, pumping out fresh porn since 2008.”
Immediately, I’m not crazy about how cocky they are in their assessment of their website. It’s just disingenuous. Not a great first impression. First of all, they claim to be “the #1 porn site on the internet,” and, well, seeing as I’d never heard of them before it came time for me to do this review, I highly doubt that could possibly be true. Also, they don’t mention any kind of metric for that.
What the fuck are you number one in, Empflix? You could be the number one most hated porn site for all I know. Or you could be the number one source for Vietnam war vet scat. I don’t fucking know! You can’t just claim to be number one, though, without backing it up in any way whatsoever. It’s like when people say America is number one – yeah, you fucking idiot, in childhood obesity maybe!
A Massive Collection of Tits and Ass for Erections
It is true, however, that Empflix has a fuck ton of videos. That I can’t argue with. As they’ve said, they’ve been ‘pumping out’ porn since 2008 [something about that description rubs me the wrong way], and it definitely shows. There are hundreds of thousands of videos available on Empflix. You would be hard-pressed to ever come close to running out. Even if you did nothing else other than jerk off all day, every day, you would never run out of porn. And even if you came close to fapping your way through every video currently on the site, the site will have likely doubled in size. That’s the beauty of the free porn tube, brother!
But every porn tube has a shit ton of porn on it (or it fucking better!). There’s nothing necessarily special about that. What sets a porn tube apart is the quality of these videos. And I don’t just mean in terms of video resolution (although that is important too), I mean how fappable are the videos! How likely are you to cum! That’s why we’re here after all, isn’t it? Well, I can’t speak for everyone – we all have different tastes and kinks, obviously – but it looks like the majority of Empflix’s videos are your standard professional studio hardcore porn. No real overarching niche to speak of. They do mention in their brief introduction that they cater to all niches, and that appears to be true (except for you probably won’t find any truly twisted shit here … like, for instance, literal shit [thank the dark lord Satan for that]), but there is a hearty Bizarre porn section if your tastes are a little on the stranger side.
As far as the site’s design is concerned, it’s not bad. I kind of like it. It has a modern feel to it, as well as a pretty nice organizational structure and layout. I like the black and blue theme. I feel like it’s one you don’t see too often in porn sites, so it has a sort of fresh feel to it. I also like how all the categories on the site are listed in alphabetical order to the left of the thumbnails. It makes for easy and carefree browsing of the site. You can also filter the videos by All or HD; Most Recent, Top Rated, Featured, User Videos, or Most Popular; and by duration (All, Short [1-3 min], Medium [3-10], Long [10-30], or Full Length [30+]). I love all of the different options they give you, really puts you in control of the porn.
Some Areas for Improvement…
The only thing that sucks about this is that you cannot select multiple choices simultaneously. For instance, if I wanted to filter the videos so that I was only shown Long and Full-Length videos, I’m shit out of luck. I would have to open two separate tabs and browse by the two duration options separately. The same is true for the categories. Why can’t I combine two categories at once and have it work as a macro filtering feature? Big missed opportunity, in my opinion.
Another thing that Empflix (often misspelled as “emplix”, “ampflix” and “emflix”) has going for it is that it does, indeed, offer community features. You can add friends, subscribe to members, write comments on their walls, and send messages. Whether or not you’re going to get some real-life pussy out of this is in your hands now. Along with your dick, once again, if you are not successful.
There are some glaringly huge issues with this site, though, that my integrity as a porn site reviewer will not let go unmentioned. There is supposedly a Photos section on the site (according to the site menu bar); however, when you click on it and try to check it out, nothing comes up, just a blank page with the site’s frame around it. Weird. Not that I’m a big photo fapper, but, shit, if you’re going to advertise a feature, you better fucking deliver. This is just downright unprofessional.