Site Review: Hustler

Hustler is a pornographic institution that needs little introduction. The humble magazine was spreading twats for its readers well before “Internet” was even a household word. Many of us had our first nut to the rag’s glossy pages after finding the old man’s stash in his nightstand. The paper version survives despite the damage the ‘net has done to its smutty competitors, and Hustler.com brings their brand of explicit sex to the web.

A Quick History Lesson

Hustler was the brainchild of legendary hero among men, Larry Flynt. He initially started the Hustler Newsletter as a way to get some cheap advertising for the strip clubs he was running. In 1974, he expanded the publishing operation a bit and put out the first issue of the Hustler magazine people grew to know and love.

Nowadays, close-ups of pussies and money shots are a dime a dozen. You can thank Hustler for that. The other big-name spank mags of the time tried to bring porno to the masses by taming it. Look at any issue from the entire run of Playboy and you’ll find some babes in modest poses, and a bunch of literary blather meant to trick you into thinking you weren’t looking at a spank rag.

Hustler, the magazine, never fucked with that lame shit. It was always hardcore to the core, explicit as fuck, all sex, all the time. Any text had to be dirty and sexual, and the humor was raunchy, dumb stuff. Mr. Flynt has referred to it as world-class pornography, and there’s never been any pretense that it was anything else.

And in case you haven’t seen the movie, Larry Flynt has made some real fucking sacrifices for the porno business. The dude was shot and partially paralyzed because he published an interracial photo shoot and some fuckwit took offense.

Porn of the Past, Porn of the Future

Forty years after Flynt took a bullet, Hustler is still putting out some of the boldest, nastiest hardcore in the business. Yes, that includes plenty of interracial clips. Dava Foxx is getting pounded by some BBC in one of the Newest Update screengrabs on the front page. There are nearly a thousand scenes of updates in the Interracial category, stretching all the way back to 2003.

Besides that stirring example of racial harmony, the Newest Updates showcase exactly the kind of material you’ve always expected from Hustler. Bush Wackin Stepsisters Muff, Lesbian Perverts, and Accidental Creampies are the most recent updates. Vids come from a few different Hustler sites. Your membership actually includes access to 18 of them, including AnalHookers, BeaverHunt, and DaddyGetsLucky. Good god, I love that taboo stuff.

The ALL SITES link at the top gives you the big list. Check out MuchasLatinas for Latinas and AsianFever for Asians. BossyMILFs and TooManyTrannies are exactly what they sound like. There are vintage stag films at VCAClassics, and the really kinky stuff at HustlersTaboo. I’m partial to HometownGirls, but that’s because I love seeing the innocent girl-next-door getting boned until she screams.

I figured I’d start my tour with some of the newest smut, so I went back to the front page. Hovering over a video image will give you a series of more screencaps from the scene. Lesbian Perverts had a couple bitches fucking around with a strap-on in what looks like a public restroom. It looked hot and filthy, so I clicked it.

Perverts Watching Perverts

Before the video plays, the screen tells me this is a BarelyLegal presentation. The BarelyLegal website actually isn’t included with the Hustler membership, even though you do get access to the digital version of the Barely Legal magazine. A search for “Barely Legal” still brings up a couple thousand movies, so I’m not complaining.

Lesbian Perverts plays in glorious HD, though there are lower-res options for the bandwidth impaired. You can also download the clip at any quality. Links on the video point to screencaps and photos.

Given Hustler’s start as a print magazine, the photoshoots are pretty fucking solid examples of still porn. If that’s your bag, don’t forget the big PHOTOS link right under the website header. The galleries correlate more or less with the movies.

Hustler’s got some basic social media features that make it easier for everyone to find the best scenes on the site. As soon as this blonde whore on the toilet looked into the glory hole, I added the clip to my favorites. When the pussy-licking started, I gave it five stars.

Both of the chicks are top-shelf porn goddesses, the kind of chicks Hustler has always been associated with. The brunette in particular did something for me, so I scrolled down to the section featuring the movie’s talent.

Alice Lighthouse is the brunette’s name, and her profile serves up a few more scenes she’s done for Hustler. I highly recommend watching Alice eat cock in Barely Legal Southern Belles.

Lesbian Perverts is tagged with the following categories: Blonde, Brunette, Lesbian, Oral, and Strap-On. Thousands of videos in each of those porn genres are waiting on the other end of the links.

OMFG, These Fucking Girls

Let’s talk about the girls for a second. When you’re a name as big as Hustler, the babes come to you. An aspiring pornstar doing Hustler is like an aspiring comedian doing Saturday Night Live. This is the shit the best professional sluts aspire to.

Click through to the PORNSTARS page and you’ll immediately see faces and bodies that have already fueled thousands of your sperm-draining fantasies. Sasha Grey, Mia Khalifa, and Adriana Chechik are in the top row when you load the page in the default Most Popular view.

Sort the chicks by Most Recent and you’ll see the future of the porn business. That brunette I mentioned, Alice Lighthouse is near the top. I can’t wait to see more of her 34C-28-32 figure and insatiable lust for both cunt and cock.

Old-Timey Whackin’ Off

Tipping off the inspector while looking at magazines might be a nostalgia trip for some, or a whole new way of thumping the pump if you’ve grown up with the Internet. Maybe you just like the freedom still images give that freaky brain of yours to run wild. Whatever it is, it’s kind of cool having access to every issue of Hustler, Barely Legal, and Taboo as soon as it comes out.

Some of you older pervs might remember the Chester the Molester comics they used to print in Hustler. I used to laugh like an idiot at the whacky adventures he got into while exposing himself. When I found the magazine archive on Hustler.com, I immediately tried to find some of those. I’m sad to report that since the artist died in 2000, and the archive only goes back to 2008, our sexual predator friend is nowhere to be found.

Porn has gotten so much cheaper since the age of turning sticky pages with your one free hand. Can you imagine what it would cost to buy all those back issues, or even just to subscribe? That’s all included with everything else in the $30-a-month membership.

Oh, hey, I also found something you can do with the shitty gift cards your clueless family gets you for Christmas. Instead of buying Tupperware at Target or a Grande Iced Vanilla Latte With Soy Milk from Starbucks, you can trade that credit in toward your Hustler membership.

Hustler has adapted and outlived almost every other dirty magazine of their era, and that alone says something. Even with a porn market more crowded than it’s ever been, Hustler is still carving out their niche.

That said, their traffic numbers are much smaller than their peak circulation of 3 million. Why? Their hardcore photos and videos are as nasty, hot, and sexy as they ever were. I can’t really find a great explanation for the decline in viewers besides all the free porn online.

The content alone is worth membership, but there is another reason to consider subscribing. It gets you into a secret club of perverts going back generations. There’s no members list, no hidden perks, and you wouldn’t even want a sticky secret handshake. One day I’ll tell my kids their great grandfather had been a Hustler subscriber, and their great grandkids might be, too.