With the uncertainty of the coronavirus infecting our daily lives, it’s hard to know what the hell to do with ourselves. Everything seems like a risk of contamination these days. People are afraid to go to the grocery store, let alone hang out with friends or nail crackwhores. In these weird times, I’ve turned to one of the safest pastimes: using sites like Shag.co.uk to have sex with strangers I meet on the Internet.
I crack jokes, but these guys are still getting a couple of million visits a month. That tells you a lot about the site’s popularity on a regular day, but it says even more when half the world ain’t even supposed to leave their homes. Either somebody’s getting laid or there are just a bunch of hard-up, horny motherfuckers trying to relieve their cabin fever. Leave it to your old pal The Porn Dude to figure it out.
The Shag.co.uk Reviews page is a marketer’s dream line-up, with men and women of all ages (well, from 19 to 57) praising the site. It’s made flirting so much easier, made it easier to find like-minds, and yes, gotten people laid. That’s if you believe Jeff, 41, from Bristol, or Rosie, 55, from Dover. Call me a cynical fuck, but every website, business, and high-end prostitute only advertises with their 5-star reviews. If Sally got 419-scammed by a Nigerian prince here, they left that review off the page.
The FAQ mostly talks about technical issues like uploading photos and forgetting passwords. One question asks if you can really meet people on Shag, and of course, the answer is, “Of course!” They give you the same basic advice you see on any dating site to be interesting and take good photos, but that’s common sense, right? You’ve got to be the hugest dipshit if you’re uploading drunk-face selfies and describing yourself with anime metaphors, but then again, I’ve seen how people behave over at Reddit.
It’s a pretty standard dating site profile setup. First, they ask your sex and orientation, plus your location. In case you’re a fucking retard and didn’t catch it from the name, but this is a UK dating site, with listings all over dear old Blighty. London is set by default, but they’ve got about a dozen options. Meet a hot slut in Yorkshire and The Humber, hook up with a new babe in Scotland, or find some NSA tail in Northern Ireland.
You’ll need an email address to sign up for Shag, just like you will on any dating site. They’ll suggest a password for you, and weirdly, a nickname. They wanted to call me Kennedey423, but I didn’t feel like it fit who I am as a person. You’ve only got 14 letters, so I chose a name that told people more about the real me: DudeWGiantDick.
I like to use temporary, disposable email addresses when I sign up for sites I’m not too familiar with. As a professional Porn Dude, I’m even more susceptible than normal people to dick-pill and penis-pump email spam, so I consider it a business technique. Shag is fucking serious about preventing people from using temporary email addresses, and I needed to try half a dozen services before something worked. That’s potentially a good sign, because non-human spambots and phishing machines will have an even harder time signing up than I did.
Once I did get signed up and logged in, I got a message saying they’d give my profile maximum visibility once it’s completed. I also got a few private messages immediately. One’s from Shag Support, saying they hope I find what I’m looking for. The other two appear to be really thirsty broads ready to hook up with a local stranger who hasn’t even filled out their profile or uploaded a single photo. Maybe it’s because I mentioned my huge dick in my name, huh? I’m sure it’s not because they’re bots.
B4FM is a chubby 41-year-old with less kinky shit in her profile than Burgess, but at least I can see her cleavage. “How are you doing?” her message reads. “I’m feeling adventurous today so I decided to take the initiative. Let’s see what happens!”
“Hey, girl,” I wrote. “Wanna get within six feet of someone tonight?”
Instead of sending my message, Shag gave me a message saying I needed some credits if I wanted to talk to anybody. The standard package is 230 credits for 30 pounds, or about 0.13 per credit. If I’m going to pay webcam money to talk to somebody, I’d prefer it not be an obvious bot. With that in mind, I went looking for actual women.
Choose your ideal hookup’s eye and hair color, their height, and weight, as well as their body type. They’ve got a bunch of marital statuses to choose from, too, in case you prefer getting it on with married broads. If you want my advice, stick to happily married chicks because they’re just looking for a fun time on the side. A woman who bitches about her husband is looking to lure you in for the long haul.
Here’s where it gets fun. The Open To field helps you dial in exactly the type of action you’re looking for. Some chicks on Shag are looking for affairs, others are looking for relationships. Some just want one-night stands and others want to travel the fucking world with you.
I like how little the Preferences field leaves to the imagination. I mean, they could get kinkier about fetish-friendliness, but they also list more activities than I see on other dating sites. Check off a box for cybersex, BDSM, threesomes or “body parts”. The Live Dating checkbox will appeal to those who were worried Shag.co.uk was aiming for an entirely necrophiliac demographic.
The good news is I didn’t find a ton of obvious bots when I was browsing the listings. Here’s a trick: in Chrome, right-click a photo and do a Reverse Image Search. If she’s a bot, there’s a decent chance you’ll find the photo in a gallery of random, unsourced hot chicks. It’s not a foolproof method and can still be faked, but it’s useful as hell.
It doesn’t cost anything to browse the profiles at Shag.co.uk, but take a look around before you upgrade to a paid account. Depending on where you’re located, those deep search functions might help you find the girl of your dreams. If they don’t list many babes in your region, you’re better off trying one of the other dating sites from my list.